Searching for the truth among the lying

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 17:40:08 GMT

it's my birthday.
it will probably suck.

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 03:24:27 GMT

hate?

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 06:25:56 GMT

if its true, i'll miss you so much you don't understand..

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 20:14:53 GMT

dad is mad at me because I don't want to go to pennslyvania. its boring as fuck. and no good bands EVER play there bc they are poor.

getting a new laptop because my computer is on its last life.

went to get my dress altered today. its ready the 20th.

waiting for buffalo 66 & soldier's girl in the mail. should be here hopefully tomorrow.

yesterday i sent mike a message after two months time. haha. i'm a fool.

i look nice today.

out of high school. for good. prom= 6/22, graduation= 6/25.

fuck you all.

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 21:13:50 GMT

i know its true.

my stomach ties in knots repeatedly.

and i feel so weak.

so complete.

MY LOVE BURNS THROUGH EVERYTHING, I CANNOT BREATHE

Fri, 13 May 2005 14:08:18 GMT

I'm miss world
Watch me break and watch me burn
No one is listening, my friend

I made my bed, i'll lie in it
I made my bed, i'll die in it

[/Hole\]

In study hall now. I want food. Sick of people. Murder is beautiful.

I have nothing left of anything. I am disintagraded. I am stripped. You can have it all. Take it all.

I'm the weak voice that you can ignore. Ignore=self destruction. Wonderful mutalation of the soul. The inner life that dies. Inner death that speaks out to me. Welcoming darkness. I WILL be taken care of. In loving arms. With affection, with hope, with love. I'll get that chance to shine brightly, to smile so wide it's blinding. I'll never feel that emptiness, I'll always be complete. You will NEVER have me again.

YOU will be complete.

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 03:03:41 GMT

Don't know what to say here..kinda feel a little heart broken. No explanation.

I have been feeling like shit for about 2 days and I think it's cause i'm going to bed late and then waking up for school at 6:30.School today wasn't so bad..i'm getting used to just doing whatever and feel comfterable enough to not listen.Svolos' class is the only class you gotta be on guard 24/7. That man never shuts the fuck up lol.So, I got back from school,went online for a bit, walked and fed the mutt then in my clothes i just passed the fuck out on my bed. I wasn't sick but under the weather. I slept for about 2 hours and woke up at 8pm. I must have been extremely tired. While asleep I had the weirdest fucking dream too. I was getting like possessed and obducted by aliens in my sleep and I tried to tell crash but she wouldn't listen and all this other shit. It felt so real and it was so fucked up.I woke up and I felt better more or less. I wanted to go back to sleep but I just ended up not.Thank fucking god it's friday. I'm so sick of this school bullshit. It's a prison. A union of unpaid work forces. I just hope this hell is over soon..I don't know how much longer I can last..and I only had 4 days of school so far.GET ME OUT.

Mon, 06 Sep 2004 23:54:43 GMT

Hey everyone. School starts tomorrow, isn't that nuts? OK, well not really but still. This summer didn't really "fly" for me but kind of melted away. I have a feeling the new school year will bring about some changes both good and bad. I have a "new look" well, it's not really that new, i did it before as a freshman only this time theres a slight twist. I thought it would be cool, something different to bring in the year with. Today i did nothing but loaf around, get my bag and school shit ready and looked over the map a bit. Yes, im in 11th grade and dont know where shit is. LAUGH IT UP haha. Most of my classes are on the first floor. I only have 3 on the second. That makes life easier. I have lunch with Marc so atleast i'm not alone! He could drive too but it would be even better with CRASH!!! She better switch some crap and have our lunch period. So i have Marine bio with Sherri,Doug and Crash<33 That's gunna rule. I also have Math with Crash. I don't know any other periords where i'm with someone but eh, i'm in atleast 2 classes where im not FRIENDS with anyone every year.Fuck it.

My schedule for the Fall:

Homeroom 11] room 112-Romano
1] Creative Writing-Turner
2] Marine Bio-Svolos
3] US History/Gov't R-Tallerine
4] Gym days 1,3 and 5
4] Study Hall days 2,4 and 6
5] Spanish G-Espinosa [oh great, another class from hell]
6] LUNCH
7] Math G-Kelly
8] Health-Fugazzi
9] English 11R-Skolnik

Have any of the same classes? Comment!

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 00:46:52 GMT

I might go through another isolation period. I can't take crap anymore, i just can't. My dad approached me yesterday about getting a psyciatrist for me again, that he's still looking for one or somthing. I hope he get's one soon because I have the urges to just fucking kill someone...

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 03:20:15 GMT

Today..LOTS OF LAUGHS. Really, I could go rant all about what we did and what went on but I just wanna leave you with the two highlights of my night [and perhaps life LOL]:

- "You know what's rude? Having your bag take up a whole seat!"

-*grunt*....*turn head and grunt*

right Sherri?! I love that kid and want to marry her <33

So today, loads of laughs and expensive, temporary material happiness.

PS

Smartpunk better not have fucked my order up..fuck tards. Atleast the second order for my rcr cd went through. THANK GOD! but still, i gotta straighten out what happened to my fucking 130+ dollar order and make sure i get the items.

Originally posted last night/Early this morning

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 16:19:16 GMT

Have you ever thought about your life one night? Just soaking in all of the good and bad memories and moments? Tonight, I thought about much and like every night,it brings tears to my eyes. I remember growing up in Queens. The neighborhood was shitty as were the people but I was too young to understand anything then. I'm glad I moved here. Back there, there were no pools,few parks or as many movie theatres...i don't think i've been to more then 2 movies until i moved here actually. It seems like so long ago and now only a distant memory. That's one thing about me though. I dread the future and live in the past. I don't do well with change and i'm not very open to new experiences. To my cousins, I am brave and fearless but I am really just a coward. A coward is all i am. I do nothing but dwell and negate. My environment has turned me cold but it is quite obvious to blame the cause of negative feelings on myself. Now, my family and I aren't relgious at all but we are spiritual so my dad once told me "God gave us problems to test how strong we are." and for some reason, that quote always stuck with me. I also believe that when someone close to you dies, a piece of them dies with you. I'm sure you've heard that before or can relate. For me, it is very true and you don't realize what you have until it's taken away.

This year, i tried making more friends but it seems I have failed...well...not really but I have failed with some people. Win some lose some but whatever. Apparently, 2 people in particular aren't interested in being my friend. It hurts but that fault is not my own.MARY-ELLEN WHERE ARE YAH?!?! I miss you!!! We gotta chill sometime and now that you can drive, we deff gotta hit up the mall or somthing.Speaking of driving, i'm going to try out for my learners permit in October. I can't picture me behind the wheel but hey, it will be pretty damn cool.

School comes in 8 days and I feel like shit about it. Some people wanna go back and i'm like 'shut the fuck up' because honestly, i don't wanna hear it. I'm sure after a couple weeks they aren't going to be happy to be back. I lost my 100 dollar calculator. It's probably somewhere in my room but it still hasn't turned up. Damn it and damn school to hell. I'm in 11th grade now and still don't know where the fuck some of my classes are. Isn't that funny? Yeah well, whatever. I'm trying to enjoy the last days of summer and look forward to my material happiness comming in the mail.

Damn this world.

Sat, 28 Aug 2004 22:14:06 GMT

Time for another updation. I just spent over 3 hours taking the pictures off my wall down and re-arranging them, even switching walls.It was the most tedious thing ever but it had to be done.

I'm getting worried about SmartPunk recieving my money order. I really think I fucked somthing up on it or the envolope. I pre ordered Hate To Be Loved AGAIN from smartpunk anyway. Hey, if the previous order goes through, i'll have two copies =D I gotta send it out later today or tomorrow.My InterPunk shit comes to my house on Tuesday! I am looking forward to that...but if I don't get ahold of Hate To Be Loved, i'm going to kill someone -_^

Why do I try to buy happiness?

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 05:57:51 GMT

Hey all. The same old is up. I am now hooked on The Briefs and The Lower Class Brats. Good bands. Anyway, I am lonely. Very. Will anyone take me home?...

Subjects are for losers.

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 07:04:51 GMT

I'm so fucking tired.Lately I have been too tired to be tired. I tried to sleep but once again I just lay there and cry.More shits been going on and i can't deal with it all.I can't really say I have one group of friends because I don't...i'm tossed around a lot and my comunication with people is limited.Being alone is my solace.All I do is go online,sleep,tv...then repeat.When is this shit going to end already? This is how it's been for years now and i'm breaking down more and more.Back to the topic of friends, i'm not really sure where I fit in or belong and that is rather important..to know you are wanted somewhere.Warped Tour actually taught me a lot about myself and other things.I didn't like warped tour really, except for the rebels. I haven't felt more unloved,ignored and crappy.

Bad memories and thoughts play over and over again in my head.Some sick things bring a smile upon my face.As the Unseen says- "Your failure, is my revenge".It's just a song lyric but sometimes songs can explain things in better terms than you can.One day, I am just going to explode and go crazy.I hope you aren't there when that happens because I assure you, it wont be pretty.Day in and day out, I just feel all the hate and anger boil inside of me and my thoughts roam free.I know one day, I will explode.I don't know when, I dont know where but i warn you.

So Dev and Jill are seeing the Rebels today and that should be cool.Those boys need some more food! I wish I could have come pretty badly but it's okay. I guess, I will find somthing to do.I mailed out a money order for SmartPunk today. I pre-ordered American Idiot [Green Day's new album],pre-ordered Hate To Be Loved [New RCR album],got a Dillinger Escape Plan shirt and an Underoath shirt in YM for myself , American Idiot and some Northstar CD for my brother for his bday in Sept,some birthday shit for Dever and an Every Time I Die pin for Crash.I also went on Interpunk today and bought myself a small checkered Dickies bag,a YM Unseen shirt,20 sex bracelets and another bday gift for Dev. Gotta mail the money out tomorrow.I hope it goes through the mail ok. It's 49.25.Oh well, it should.That's all i'm going to buy for a while now.I feel so fucking jipped because all the money I used was birthday money.I used maybe less than half for myself.i fucking ARGH.I do this every fucking year.I'm too nice, i know.I'm not buying anything for a while now, i'm going to try and save. I realized i am trying to buy happiness...nothing I want is anything you can get with money though..sure those things I got look cool, but it's just shit.What do I use my money on anyway? Shows? Except seeing The River City Rebels, shows bring me down just like everything and everyone else.I have learned that hero's don't exist and it hurts when you hold somone on a platform so high and they just crash it for you....

Donnie Darko

Has anyone seen that movie? I saw it twice today and I still don't fully understand it. Ok, hes schizoid-got that. My spin on it was that he was dead and went back in time to fix some shit and what not. I am told that it was actually the exact opposite of what I thought. It had to do with seeing or going into the future or somthing? Or getting somthing from the future? I have no freakin idea.I love this movie, it kicks ass but I just don't fully get it. If you can explain it to me, leave a comment and do so.

Well, that's all for now kids.It's 3:03 am and i'm going to try and go back to sleep.I miss my mom </3.

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 04:23:19 GMT

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

RCR LOVE<3

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 04:43:28 GMT

Hello all.

That miserable time of the year is growing closer, thats right kids, my birthday. I'll be fuckin 16 and I don't even care.I'm not even ready either. This whole summer feels like I have been self-destructing and dying from the inside out.Some people are slowly moving out of my life and others make themselves in yet not to my liking.So warped tour happened and I went. I don't feel like explaining the whole thing right now...too much shit to cover.I'm just trying to hold onto my close friends and never let go.Major propage to Ash,Sherri,the Matt's and Sherilyn <33 Once again, I am left wondering why certain people stopped talking to me.You people know who you are and it hurts.Yeah, whatever.\

Someone I know,an adult, is sick and it sucks major ass. I feel very bad and shit but theres nothing I can do. I send my reguards, hun.School is also upon us all and i'm just too tired to care anymore.Fuck that.Bonding moments with the bro are amazing...now i'm tired and it's close to 1AM.

PAYCE

-Marielle

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 06:24:07 GMT

Hey everyone, another sleepless night and another update for you fucks. I am officially a plague. No one wants to talk to me really anymore and all I do is drive people away. I know i'm an unhappy person and as my friend Mattio said, i'm miserable inside but just 'rejecting me' makes me even worse than I am. Everyone is either away or being an asshole. Take your pick. Well, I shouldn't say everyone but mostly really.Lot's of love to Sherri,Danie,Cher,Crash and of course Matt[n].

Paranoia has taken it's toll already. I don't want to get into detail about the more personal shit but I have been bugging out thinking that people have 'bad agendas'. I thought a guy had a gun the other day. I need to chill out but I can't. There is no "chilling out" where I come from. I have so much responsibility and decisions for my sweet 16 and listening to cds like mad trying to pick songs.I didn't know it was going to be so much fucking work. "do you like this color?" "pick the type" "how do you want it?" I'm going nuts. I also have to write the fuckin speeches for my candles AND pick the music for each one. Music? speeches? I don't even have enough people/enough to say about them for the candles! I don't have a lot of friends comming either..man, all I want to do is sleep and I think that's what i might do when i'm finished updating this thing.

I want to give a shout out to sonicice and send him MUCH LOVE. He had to put his doggy down recently and is taking it hard =( everyone go to his journal and leave NICE comments. If any of you say somthing bad, I will beat you down. Tomorrow i'm picking my pictures up from CVS and I hope they turned out good. It has like a TON of pictures of me on there. It also has pix of me and the meat head [Amelia],Ash,Marc and I forgot what else is on there. A few won't come out because I was forgetting to put flash on haha.Hmm...what else, what else. OH, I bought some more shit from punkmart . I practically live on there. I got a light pink Goldfinger wife beater,a polo shirt which i'm STILL waiting on [but will happen],an Unseen cd and some other shit that I don't even remember.For the Unseen cd, I forgot to include a dollar for shipping so I had to waste another envolope [last one, kids],another stamp and 4 more days for it to get there for a fucking dollar. Wow that kid is a cheap ass who can't pay ONE dollar.Sorry, that just ticked me off. On that note, I FINALLY sold my DEP shirt to some cool kid in Cali. with the money I got from him, i'm down to..1 dollar because I spent the rest paying people off on punkmart. I know, I really have to stop.I'm wasting SO much money on shit + stamps.I try selling but people won't really buy unless you give pix. I don't have a digital camera for my computer..I have a digital one you can hook up to it but I lost the wire to it which I have been looking for.I'm sure once I get pix, I will sell some shit.I have 19 stamps already and I REALLY need the cash.

Currently, it is 2:21AM and i am very tired.I might peace out soon.On that note, I;m going to leave you kids now.I hope you liked my long entry for once.Love you all<3

~Marielle

The bread is online, and he is an asshole.

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 05:47:44 GMT

Im updating the LJ because im bored and theres no one to talk to.I can't sleep early anymore.I'm up to 3:00am sometimes, then when i go to bed i sleep over time for about 9 or more hours.Let's see..what else, what else. I've been to the dentist twice already. I have to go back 2 or 3 more times.I hate all dentists and doctors. A lot of my friends have stopped talking to me/talk less to me and now I keep to myself mostly and leave the bitching to a minimum but still through those words of "i'm fine" or "I don't like talking about me anymore" I'm screaming for help. I don't like going out so much anymore either and my dad is starting to slowly pick up on my unhealthy state and my unhappiness. The trip to Montalk is an attempt to cheer me up but so little does he know.I wish he knew more and I wish he could help me but fear and ignorance stops it. I wish people would get off his back about shit too. It must be hard raising 2 kids and sometimes I cry because he has to do it alone.Sometimes there are things you can never get back....

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 21:01:50 GMT

So, recently I have been boucing off the walls doing all this shit. Ever feel like your trying to do 10 things at once? Well that's me right now. I've been doing sweet 16 crap,buying shit,mailing shit,cleaning,being online till 2:30 in the morning. It's very hectic right now.I find myself just falling asleep in the middle of the day. I'm pretty worn out phyiscally and mentally.Once again, i'm stranded on that island.

In other news, the new River City Rebels site is well...ORGASMIC. Go and check it out for yourself. www.rivercityrebels.com .

Sexayy.

Tue, 13 Jul 2004 16:43:06 GMT

Hey all. I finally sold my Anti-Flag shirt for 8 bucks. woo hoo. I put so many stamps on that thing that it better make it down to Florida hahaha.I'm in love with my Shai Hulud shirt, I wear it everyday.Erin is trying to find me a ym Zao shirt. It'd rule if she sent it down here.I'm on the hunt for youth medium band shirts.yessss. Um, yesterday I went to the Paulie P benifit show and it was ok. I've been to waay better shows but it was for a good cause.I don't have a lot of friends RSVP-ing for my party. I have like what 10 friends so far? hahaha wow.This sucks. Oh well. I have to go shopping today to get jewelry or whatever today so yeah.I wanna see the River City Rebels again! I haven't seen them in sooo long =( I also haven't seen the Fad in over a year now which makes me sad. This summer I wanna see Dillinger,Zao maybe Underoath,Ryan Adams and RCR. Lot's of bands, so little time and not a lot of money.Crash will come with me to see Zao because she loves them and basicly anything with me. LD would come to whatever also. I'm starving.

Sat, 10 Jul 2004 16:12:53 GMT

Today I HAVE to go to my god parents house. I really don't want to go. Already, I feel the anxiety. I hate being with a lot of people and whenever i'm at their house with everyone, I always feel on edge, cornered or confused.They are great people, don't get me wrong but I think I am just slowly giving up like many people have told me.Once again, for many hours I will wear the smile of fools and pretend that life is nothing but pure joy. That was my only lie to them. I also have to go in the pool. I hate pools now. I hate going out and argh...whatever.When I return home, I hope that my mind is still in tact.I have no hope anymore...maybe I really have given up? Barely eating,not changing,not going out,not talking to people much. I definately deserve a cookie...or some inspiring words. I also did some retarded things like type somthing personal and send it to someone...yeah i know, im a fuck head and i regret doing it...but that's all life is. Regrets. Maybe i'm a pessimist, maybe i'm depressed or maybe i'm just stupid but I find no point in trying anymore. Life has got me beat and i've learned to never smile again...

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 17:11:54 GMT

R.I.P Paulie P. <3

Paul Piszczkiewics
11/4/85-7/5/04

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 01:29:12 GMT

The Girl.

The girl sat there infront of her computer as her air conditioner dried her wet hair. Night was among the gloomy day, ready to engolf the sun and put man kind to sleep and out of misery. There was a calm about the house. A peacful silence that swept over the girl like a plague. Uncomfterable yet beautiful tension set meaning to the twin bed, eager for a partner. Making worthless conversation with those she loved, a tear rolled down her face and caught in the crease of her mouth. Melodies of old time love songs repeated in her head assuring her that all hope is lost. All hope is, is a coating over failure and lies. Now, the girl in great sadness, moved away from the gentle glow of her computer screen and found comfort in the blankets. Her blankets were the only thing that would hold her and keep her warm. The girl hugged her stuffed animal tight and closed her eyes wondering if she would survive her struggle. The struggle was not caused by outsiders but by her own self. Self inflicted pain was not included in her life but indulging in pain others had caused her seemed to be it's replacement.

By: Marielle Ortiz

PS
Steal that story and die.

Quizzes and shit.

Wed, 07 Jul 2004 21:37:02 GMT

Your soul is DARK. You aren't too happy with your
life, though you may feel you should be. You're
probably solitary, pessimistic, brooding,
possibly nocturnal, but mostly a general
unknown. You might have a hidden liking for
pain and destruction, but you're probably more
masochistic that sadistic if that's true. (look
it up if you don't know what they mean!) Those
that think they know you tend to place you
closer to evil on a scale of good and evil,
which might not be true. What people see may
not be who you actually are. Some people fear
you and others mock you. What isn't really
known, though, is that you're not pure evil.
You're just a mysterious, misunderstood - and
sadly, forsaken - soul.

What Is Your Soul's Trait?
brought to you by Quizilla

M	Mischievous
A	Awkward
R	Rich
I	Influential
E	Entertaining
L	Lovable
L	Lucky
E	Exhausting

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

PASSIONATE LOVER. You love to love, always looking
for a relationship. You cannot live without it.
Your lover must be passionate and you want
that you and your partner melt into each other.
He/She should not try to take the domination .
You dont want a relationship without passion,
and the sexuality plays a big part. The first
moment you meet him/her is one of the most
important. There has to be something between
you , you cannot explain. From the first moment
on everything must fix. But when this passion
disappears you disappear to. For you it is
better to leave than to see your love
restrained.

PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always
message me or tell me how I can improve that
quiz. Ill sure write back.

~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You have a Lost Soul. No one is really sure what
that can always mean, because it can be defined
in many ways. As Legend goes, lost souls were
the spirits of passed away people who are
neither in heaven nor hell. They walk the
earth, brooding mysteriously, always appearing
when you expect it least. So hence, if you have
a Lost Soul, then you are probably very
insecure and shy. Stuck in your own little box,
you watch the world fly by as a loner. You dont
know your place. You seemingly dont have a
place in society or an interest. You are a very
capricious person, and are confused and
frustrated about where you belong. You crave
for the sense and feeling of home-but have not
obtained it yet.

What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

Your a Dark Angel...and hey, you probably knew it.
Dark angel are in truth, very malicious, but a
sign of one also is very sad. Dark Angel all
used to be pure angels, but something went very
wrong with their life. Either it was the
sudden, murder of a loved one, betrayl, or pure
torture to them, dark angels have commited
their life to Satan himself. They are silent,
and their wings are dark black feathers, or
blood red. Dark Angels appear when there is
someone dying, or a murder. If you see one, it
means the death of a loved one is expected.
Dark Angels cannot actually harm a human, but
they love to see the suffering of one.

What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 17:42:12 GMT

Woop.Yesterday was great haha. First i was just talking to Mary and then no luck came over. Dave was watching tv with me for 15 minutes and we had a nice convo about fat people haha. So last night my brother and his band [No Luck] were on the radio last night! It was really cool and i'm very proud of them.Debbie and I called in to say hey and everything too. The show was i think an hour long? I dont really know. The guy wants them back a second time! w00t! Good times with Debbie! Oh! and the other night me and her went food shopping and i met the meat people haha.Hmm..what else? Online i was talkin' to Brian [yes you sonicice haha] for a while and oh um, btw that Underoath song kicks ass so send more! Well my dad is comming back from California tomorrow so I don't know what i'm doing for the 4th of July today/tonite.I'll update more if more shit goes on.

Love you guys!!
-Marielle